It's that time of year when we wonder who has been naughty or nice. Or both!
A few years ago at International Mr. Leather (IML), our booth was across from a buddy of ours whose major turn-on is caning. His daddy just beat the shit out of him one day. I had to leave because I had such a strong negative reaction to it. I have never gotten into spanking and when asked to do it; I'm half-hearted at best.
A few weeks ago, I was having an e-mail conversation about the best heavy-duty cockring for a new Mr. S. leather jock with a favorite customer, when the subject of spanking came up. He (we will refer to him as "Tom Servo") had written: "My 'boy' and I have found a whole new dimension to our relationship and even a good boy needs to be paddled regularly."
Knowing that this facet of their relationship is new and that Tom Servo always has great advice, I asked for more info.
And I got it!
Tom Servo wrote: "Paddling and spanking can be a lot of fun. The way I see it there are three levels: Fun/Erotic, Discipline, Punishment. A helpful hint is never give out anything you have not taken yourself. I think it’s important to know what one is delivering. It’s also important to communicate, ask how the sub du jour is doing, etc., and take breaks.
"An over the knee spanking can be relaxing, fun and good foreplay. Spanking, then gently stroking between a guy’s legs sends all kinds of nerve messages that combine light pain and pleasure. Keeping it light can lead to lots of other activities and always to sex."
Tom Servo added: "Discipline is something I think every guy needs now and then to clear his head. I know I do. These are serious whacks, appropriately spaced. The idea is never to force the sub to say “stop” but to be able to take it and over time increase tolerance until it is actually quite pleasant. This is kind of medium grade stuff and it is also fun but more of a “remember to be a good boy” thing.
"Punishment is more severe. It’s for those times when one of us needs to make things right. We have had a couple of times when each of us has disappointed the other in some small way. Nothing big. We didn’t cheat or anything but those things that if not put behind you can harm a relationship over time. I was the first to get it. We talked it over and agreed that I needed to be punished. There is also a lot of putting away the male ego in this. It should never be done in anger but when both are ready to make things right and move on. I received 18 strokes with the cane. They were intense and left marks. I was very emotional at the end of that but we both felt a complete release of it all. Hey, if that’s what it takes, I’m down for it. Crow T Robot [Tom Servo's hubby] has had one punishment session as well in which he also got 18 strokes. Being willing to receive is a key. It’s all in the attitude. I even offered to stop at 12 but he insisted because we had agreed on 18.
"It may sound crazy but we have experienced a lot of personal growth through swapping dom/sub roles this way. Once you have been whipped by the person you love, I guess a new level of closeness develops. We don’t do this with anyone else, just each other because most of the time it IS foreplay and sex follows. My husband may be 5’7” and a skinny, cute Indian guy but he’s packing 9.5” of uncut, hooded cobra."
Tom Servo went on to write: "We even turn this into a set of games. We have a no masturbation rule. I mean never. Ever. We take care of each other’s needs. Because Crow T Robot is younger and with a sex drive that’s off the charts, I allow him two wanks per year. He has to get my ok a week in advance (he usually does this when away alone on business trips) and he has to pay a $100 equipment use fee and accomplish the task within a 2-hour predetermined window. He also gets four swats. If he fails to report completion of the deed within half an hour, he gets 10 swats. If he misses the window, he forfeits his opportunity. An unauthorized wank results in a fine of $250 and 12 swats. He’s a really good boy and is taking his second authorized wank of the year next week when he will be away. I have already collected the fee. Harmless sex games, really but he loves having rules that restrict his self-pleasure.
"We have two canes, two paddles and a light flogger. The flogger is very light and feels more like a massage when swung correctly. The trick to all of this is communication and finding what is mutually fun and agreeable. Finding that pain/pleasure balance is another trick. It’s no different from penetration which can be painful at first but gives way to pleasure. Also like sex it’s something exclusive in our relationship. I’m sure it’s not for everyone but it is something to approach gently and talk about it while experimenting. We began innocently enough with me telling Crow T Robot I should put him over my knee and spank him. His reply was, “You should do that, daddy.” I had never been called daddy. The word hung in the air and spanking followed and it was fun.
"One final note. When the pressures of life get to either of us, getting a good caning can help it all just go away. The physiological and psychological upset really helps tensions to dissipate. Just the submission goes a long way but getting the paddle or cane really clears the mind better than any pill ever could. Give it a try. Proceed easily at first and if it just doesn’t work, stop. If it does, explore further. Have fun!"
I have to admit that this has really made me reconsider the entire concept of paddling or caning. I just might try it. After all, what could it hurt (other than my ass!?)
Later Tom Servo e-mailed a final thought: "We are not at all about beating the crap out of one another but about finding that pain/pleasure interface. It takes some work and a lot of communication but it’s great to get there. We get into other fun things too like one of us being tied to the bed by wrists and ankles, then blindfolded. The possibilities then are endless and it is a huge builder of trust once the initial trust is there. Crow T Robot has done amazing things to me with an ice cube and his tongue. Getting one’s balls shaved like that is just amazing. Gotta keep everything sane for it to be fun though. We don’t judge, either but we select what works for us."
And isn't that what a trusting, loving relationship is all about? Don't judge but select what works for you.
A special thanks to Tom Servo and Crow T Robot for sharing a slice of their very fulfilling life with us.
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(Photos re-blogged from Tumblr.)